Feeling Deep Frustration, Attacking Life Doc, Heart Trouble: My Surfing Week
Today I burned, right in my centre, with frustration - white hot and paralysing. I have spent the last couple of years recognizing how frustration is one of my core responses, and have still not got to the bottom of why. I recall the same feeling as a child, except I would inhabit that space so fully I could not possibly let it pass in the way I do now.
Today it was about longboarding. I've been largely stand up paddle boarding the last ten years so the transition to a longboard is a re-learning curve, mainly for my body. It has to learn to jump up fast (known as popping up) which can be hard to do when a big, rumbling, bumpy wave comes through. That's what happened today - it was a really big swell and I felt my lack of confidence impact both where I sat in the break and how I totally looked it every time I tried to take off. I was watching my best mate take off on some huge waves and she was surfing really well, and I just felt frustrated. Later she said she nearly grabbed me to paddle out where she was (I felt a bit scared) but thought, nah, she can surf, she won't want me telling her what to do.
Thing is, I was feeling like that's exactly what I needed... A little encouragement and support. Usually I'm pretty independent and hate being told what to do but I'm leaning in more to that now. Just fucking help, is what I'm screaming on the inside. It's a new one on me.
At least these days I can recognize frustration as a sensation that will pass. I said as much to my bestie when she asked how I went and if I got any waves. If there's anyone I can tell the truth to it's her. Still, I was working hard to blink back hot tears.
One strategy I've learnt when I'm feeling like this is to talk to myself in encouraging ways. At least, I said to myself today, you got OUT there. It was big and scary and not for everyone. You paddled great and felt strong, and you KNOW how to paddle in conditions like that. You are 51 years old girl, and at least you are OUT there, doing it! You've got this!
But still, hours later, I feel those frustrated edges. I'm trying to breath through it and I know I'm looking forward to paddling out in the morning and trying again. I'm old enough to know giving up is a stupid game. I need to feel the frustration and do it again. I think it's a reaction to failure I'll carry into future lifetimes but dammit I hope I learn my lessons a little faster next time around.
Attacking Life Doco
All my frustrations pale into insignificance when I watched this documentary shortly after writing the above. It's about a really talented surfer getting bitten on the leg and losing pretty much all of his quad. He was told he'd barely walk again let alone surf. Of course, he proved them wrong.
Being bitten by a shark is any surfer's worst nightmare, but truth be told it's incredibly rare. Still, I hope it doesn't happen to me! The doco is defintely inspiring and worth a watch.
I'm definitely not the only frustrated person in the water this week. I was chatting to a girl I know out in the water today and she's feeling it too. She had a heart attack after getting the COVID 19 vaccine. Whilst I won't respond to discussion about the vaccine in the comments, it's interesting to hear it from someone it happened to, rather than word of mouth or propaganda. Since then she's struggled a lot with illness and getting back to her peak fitness. We were both grumpy old woman out in the water but we got some nice waves in the sunshine - well, some gutless and weak waves, but it was sunny and relatively uncrowded so couldn't complain. Both of us acknowledged how quick we were to give up when we were young but now we've learnt perseverance is everything.
Anyway, up and at em - at least my wetty will have chance to dry since it's not going to be great over the next week. Time to work on my core strength - lots of squats, sit ups and popping up on my yoga mat!
How's your week been, surfing or otherwise?
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You're being modest. I'd be thankful to even get in the water and survive.
This reminds me of a pretty funny kid.
What a little legend..and yeah I should be grateful I didn't drown....
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I can relate to being frustrated about how well you can do something you USED to be able to do. At 67 and with long Covid, popping up on anything is impossible. But I still intend to get out in those gardens and do as much as I can as often as I can. And I long ago learned to never turn down help... :))
I've been resigned to how much or little I can do, and have just let the frustration go... I'll never be 21 again or 41...
I wonder if it's possible for me to let frustrated go! It's such a part of me. I hate this getting older shit. Not doing it gracefully, me..and damn long COVID!
Have you got a HIVE plan of something happens to you? I mean how would we know? Jamie wouldn't even know how to sign in! I might write out instructions for him... Aaaaha
No, but perhaps Tom could do a post. I should mention to him about it... He's an IT guy so he'd manage.
Oh I know those feelings well… hahaha
We want / ask too much of ourselves sometimes. We need to be gentle…
With life we sure learn 😊👋🏻
Thanks babe, I have to practice that one!!
You are welcome, I’m still learning too hehehe 🤭
I saw this 8-10ft lemon shark this week in Dry Tortugas. Fortunately from the dock and not while snorkeling 😅
I suppose because I'm a guy but my fustration comes out in anger. I try to tone down my anger and ask for help more when frustrated instead of lashing out. And I've got some better as I get older. Or maybe I give myself too much credit, angry behave often mellows as you get older.
Yeah I think we mellow a bit or learn to deal with our emotions better. And you're right, woman often swallow anger as it's not really acceptable for us to explode without being labelled hysterical, psycho etc.
I've seen small sharks in the water before. Did you have a nice holiday?
Vacation was nice. I'll start posting some pics.
Let me know when you do x
Most sports people do the positive self talk stuff, i do it too when it really really has to happen.
I love surfing while I was in the Philippines but I am just a beginner at surfing. This week, I just arrived from a winter ski holiday trip in France. So, I was very ecstatic and on a high upgrading from beginner to intermediate level. :)
Oh fantastic! Quite a few surfers I know would rather snowboard as you actually get more time on board/doing it! Glad you felt you progressed, bet you can't wait to get back to it!!
yeah, I was thinking of snowboarding but my husband is more into skiing. Yeah, hopefully, next year so we need to save money. :)
It can be an expensive past time for sure!
It is indeed an expensive pastime. During our last day of the holiday, I offered to pay for our unlimited ski passes for 2 people, which was 55 euros per person and I don't even have a full-time job at the moment. But no regrets, I enjoyed skiing in the bigger playground. :)
What a synchronicity! I sat down in front of Hive to take a break from these days full of frustration that I too have been trying to tame since childhood, I would so much like to go back in time and never feel this type of emotion..... and it's not possible, so I'm still trying to figure out how to best deal with it.
I think trying not to react and letting it move on through is best way. Hard and frustrating in itself but reaction eg 'i give up' etc doesn't serve us does it?
actually I agree giving up is not helpful, here they say "welcome" easier said than done..... A therapist friend of mine told me to shout when I'm alone, I tried and it's worse. Haven't found the right solution for me yet
To shout when you are alone? Oh to let off steam?
I think the best thing is to change how we feel about that feeling. Like, we are okay with joy or good feelings, we should we okay with shitty ones. Like, make friends with it. Oh hello frustration old friend. Want a cup of tea and hang out for a few hours? What have you got to tell me? I'm just going to breath 🫁 a little with ya before you go, okay?
This is what I begin to learn, I ve founded a coaching of mindfullness yesterday :) Hope I will be able to change my behaviour :)
That instagram link looks like great conditions, but the surfer appears to be on the inside of the bay while everybody else seems to be waiting on presumably more exposed, raw swell out the back...
Hmmm, for me kooking around in big waves is a result of fear, which will then result in shame if I let something go when I should have tried...
The frustration you mention... for me this is when my body shuts down (noodle arms, stiff back) from being unfit, after about an hour or two in any conditions! Hahaha!
You don't want those two feelings at the same time - so if the adrenaline is high I tend to call it a day with some gas left in the tank!
I never stop until I'm totally cactus!!
Yeah that's the famous lefts ... More fast and fun I reckon than the big fat lumps out back. If I'm honest it's not my fave wave. And these days stupid crowded.
I wish I was 30 again. This aging body doesn't cope with surging as much as it used to!!